Once More With Feeling
by Silken Danser
Summary: What if Buffy was a little more honest with herself? Would she allow that kiss to actually mean something?  Eventual M


Chapter One

Disclaimer: I own nothing! (First chapter Beta'd by the marvelous slaymesoftly)

Buffy strode through the cemetery, for once not on patrol, but seeking information. She made her way through three of the many Sunnydale cemeteries before reaching Restfield cemetery.

She confidently entered Spike's home and immediately saw his platinum blond head pop up from the trapdoor to the lower level of his crypt.

He huffed with amusement, "The sun goes down and she appears." He swaggered over to her and offered her something that looked like a bottle of wine.

"A world of no." Buffy remembered the last time she had gotten drunk with him. It made everything, especially why he was completely off limits, fuzzy. Nope, not gonna do it, no way, no how. Her life was plenty confusing as it was.

He looked slightly put out, but took it in stride like everything else she threw at him. He truly was amazing the way a could bounce back from anything, even having a church dropped on his back.

"So you know what's going on then?"

"I've seen some damn funny things the last few days, pet. Three hundred pound Chirago demon dancin' and singin', yeah that one will stay with you." He snickered at the memory.

Buffy continued to press him for any information he might have, determined to make this visit as short as possible. Whenever she was around him, she was tempted to just let down her guard and let him in. She constantly had to remind herself why vamps and Slayers didn't mix.

Spike's shoulders slumped, realizing the reason for her visit. Buffy could tell that he had hoped that she was here on a more social type visit. Seeing his disappointment was harder for her than she thought it would be.

Suddenly Spike was at the door holding it open for her. "Don't know a thing." The muscle in his jaw was ticking and his eyes were narrowed. His complete change in demeanor caught Buffy off guard. His entire body was screaming with tension.

"Hey, what's wrong?" She squinted at him, this was so totally not like him. Normally he was all about trying to get her to stay, not go. She wasn't sure she liked the change. She liked feeling wanted, just for herself and not for her Slayer powers.

"It's nothing." The fact that he said it through his teeth kinda negated that statement and she raised her eyebrows accordingly.

"It's nothing!" Again said between his teeth. Then suddenly the reason for his abrupt dismissal and unwillingness to open his mouth became glaringly apparent to her. He started to sing. The lyrics of Spike's song described how much he loved her, but wished that he didn't.

Buffy could relate. Since coming back from the dead, Buffy had been spending less and less time in the land of denial. She had managed to freely admitted to herself that, yes, she did in fact find Spike attractive. Even pre-mortem Buffy could see the gorgeousness that was Spike. With those blue, blue eyes, razor sharp cheekbones, and bad boy clothes and attitude, he was a sight to behold.

Of course pre-mortem Buffy would have rather pulled out her own hair rather than admit an attraction to Spike. But she could more easily admit it to herself now. Spike was beautiful. Plain and simple.

His speaking voice was incredibly sensual, being all deep and rumbly and British in a totally not Giles way. His singing voice was even more so, smooth and silky. He was practically crooning at her. Even when he was yelling at her to leave him alone it was sexy, in a more growly kind of way.

Then, they both tumbled into a grave and Buffy landed smack dab on top of him. She could feel the vibrations from his voice spreading through her chest.

When he had finished, she ran. What else could she have done? She was one verse away from kissing him. So, she ran as fast and hard as she could, faintly hearing him say something plaintive behind her. At this point she didn't particularly care.

She burst into her house and ran up to her room, secure in the knowledge that Dawn was still at the Magic Box. Throwing herself on her bed, she buried her face in Mister Gordo and sniffled. How could she have let this happen? She knew the repercussions of having feelings for one of the evil undead. And this time she didn't even have the excuse of falling for one with a soul!

Damn it! Dammit dammit dammit. And a few more dammits to round it out. How could she? She knew better! She was the Slayer, warrior of light, defeater of darkness!

I've just royally messed everything up haven't I? Must be some kind of record. Get resurrected, then three weeks later ruin your new life. That's me! She sighed. Well, nothing to do about it now. She sat up and wiped at her watery eyes.

Being brutally honest with yourself sucked. But unfortunately, that was what she had been doing ever since being forcibly removed from Paradise. Right now, being honest with herself meant admitting that she was falling for Spike. Hard and scarily fast.

When she really thought about it, it did make sense though. They had already formed some kind of bond before she died. And after Willow did her mojo, he had been the only one she could trust with the truth. He had been there for her. Helping her, giving her silent strength.

When considering all that, it made sense that she would develop feelings. And what's more, she had the feeling that if she let herself love him, he would never leave her like everyone else had. Based on the way he was with Drusilla she could probably trust him with her heart. But trust and relationships were non-mixy things for Buffy. She could only hope that maybe this time it would work out.

Authors Note: Feedback is appreciated. I would love advice.


End file.
